Julie Morgavi Therapy
Relationship Counseling
in Tarzana, CA
Of Course Relationships Are Hard.
Look at what we're asking two human nervous systems to do.
Two people arrive carrying different families of origin, attachment histories, inherited rules, adaptations, communication styles, sensitivities, expectations about love, ideas about conflict, and varying levels of permission to even have needs—then somehow they're supposed to find each other and intuitively know how to do relationship.
...what could possibly go wrong?
As we struggle in our various relationships and occasionally feel inadequate because of it, we must make room for compassion and grace. We are born as autonomous human beings who are also profoundly dependent upon one another. From day one, we begin negotiating one of the central tensions of being human:
How do I remain myself and still get my needs met?
When we're children, attachment necessarily takes precedence. We need the people around us for survival. So we learn what brings people closer, what pushes them away, which feelings are welcome, which needs create conflict, what earns approval, and what threatens connection. Constantly adapting for survival.
Then we grow up. And bring all of that with us.
Suddenly the argument about the dishes isn't about the dishes. One person pursues; the other withdraws. One needs reassurance while the other experiences the request as pressure. Both people may be showing up in precisely the opposite of what the other needs, making connection increasingly difficult.
That's where I get curious.
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We Are Wounded in Relationship.
And We Can Heal in Relationship.
Long before we know anything about attachment styles or communication skills, we're learning what happens between people.
What happened when you had needs? When you disagreed? Was anger permitted? Was sadness burdensome? Could people apologize? Did someone withdraw, explode, shame, ignore, control, appease or disappear?
Were you allowed to say no?
Were you allowed to be different?
Did you have to perform, achieve, entertain, take care of everyone else, keep the peace—or become very small?
Who did you need to be?
None of this means your family was terrible or that every relationship problem can be blamed on childhood. It means families teach us how relationships work. And those lessons run deep.
An unanswered text may objectively be an unanswered text.
But somewhere in the body:
Something is wrong. Connection is threatened.
Now imagine two people entering a relationship with two entirely different sets of those instructions.
Of course relationships are hard.
So What Does Relationship Counseling Actually Look Like?
When people come to me for relationship counseling, I begin by listening to what you believe the problem is. But I'm also listening underneath it.
Where are the unmet needs? What old wound might be getting activated? What protector part just entered the room? What communication skill may never have been learned? And what isn't being said...yet?
Structurally, I generally begin relationship therapy by meeting with the people in the relationship together. I then meet with each person individually at least once. These meetings allow us to build individual rapport and provide a less filtered environment in which each person can speak candidly. They also give me an opportunity to assess whether individual therapy for relationship issues or other concerns might provide useful additional support with a separate therapist.
Then we come back together with a better map.
We explore family histories. We identify recurring pain points and protective patterns. We focus on distress tolerance so we can navigate differences without experiencing them as a threat to connection. We build the skills the relationship needs—effective communication, appropriate boundaries, values clarification, fair fighting, meaningful apologies, the ability to repair, and intimacy building.
I draw from relationship-therapy trailblazers including Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman-informed work, Imago Relationship Therapy, and the work of Esther Perel. I don't believe any single model contains the instruction manual for every relationship. We use what helps us understand your relationship and what's actually happening between the people sitting in the room.
There may be homework.
There will be compassion.
Can I Tell You the Truth and Survive What Happens Next?
Communication requires more than learning the right words. It requires developing enough capacity to tolerate what happens when we use them.
Can I tell you what I need without controlling your response? Can I hear what you need without immediately experiencing it as criticism? Can we disagree without treating difference as danger?
And perhaps one of the hardest:
Can I tolerate the possibility that the relationship may not survive my honesty?
Because adulthood offers us something childhood couldn't.
As children, preserving attachment was necessary.
As adults, we can begin asking a different question:
What do I need to cultivate within myself so that losing a relationship—while painful—doesn't mean losing myself?
This isn't about becoming so independent that we don't need anyone.
We do. We're human.
It's about becoming sufficiently secure within ourselves that our relationships can become increasingly chosen rather than required.
Relationship Therapy Isn't Just About Saving the Relationship
I don't believe the goal of relationship counseling should automatically be preserving a particular relationship structure at all costs.
Sometimes healing means repair. Sometimes it means restructuring. Sometimes people discover that underneath years of protection, resentment and misunderstanding, there is still a relationship they very much want—and now have better tools to create.
Sometimes healing means separating without needing to turn the other person into the villain.
My allegiance as a relationship therapist is to the people in the relationship, the truth of what's happening between them, and the possibility of each person becoming increasingly whole and authentic while remaining capable of meaningful connection.
And this work isn't limited to romantic partners. Family relationship counseling, friendship counseling, and interpersonal relationship therapy may involve different histories, expectations and boundaries, but many of the underlying questions remain remarkably familiar:
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Can I be myself and remain connected to you?
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Can I tell you the truth?
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Can we tolerate difference?
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Can we disappoint one another and remain connected?
Because I cannot freely choose a relationship if I cannot freely communicate within it.
Common Questions About Relationship Counseling
Do we have to be a couple?
No. While romantic relationships are a common reason people seek relationship counseling, relationship difficulties also occur between parents and adult children, siblings, friends and other important people in our lives. The structure of the work may differ, but the goal remains understanding what's happening between you and what may be possible from here.
Will you meet with us individually?
Generally, yes. I typically meet with everyone together first and then request at least one individual session with each person before returning to the relationship work. We'll discuss the purpose of these meetings and my limitations-of-secrets policy clearly beforehand.
Is the goal always to save the relationship?
No. I don't predetermine what your relationship should become. Choosing to bring a relationship into therapy tells me that something about it matters to you. Our work is to understand what's happening inside it and develop the awareness, compassion, communication skills and capacity to discover what's possible from there.
Let's Figure Out What's Happening Between You
Healthy connection doesn't require self-erasure.
This work gives us a place to slow things down, follow the clues, understand what's happening beneath the conflict, and develop different ways of communicating and connecting.
Sometimes healing allows us to find our way back to one another.
Sometimes it allows us to find our way back to ourselves.
And sometimes, beautifully, we get to do both.
