The Unlevel Playing Field: Why Parent–Adult Child Estrangement Isn't Apples-to-Apples
Equal participation in a conflict doesn't necessarily mean equal responsibility for how the relationship got there.
There's a concept I think is absolutely essential to understanding parent–adult child estrangement, and it's one that can be particularly difficult for some parents to wrap their heads around.
Asymmetry.
More specifically, the power differential between parents and children—and the inconvenient reality that it doesn't magically disappear when the child turns 18.
In parent–adult child estrangement, asymmetry refers to the unequal power and responsibility that shaped the relationship during childhood. Although parents and adult children can both be accountable for their present-day behavior, they did not have equal influence over the emotional environment in which the relationship developed.
I frequently encounter parents who insist their adult child is equally responsible for the relational rupture. And sometimes they have a pretty convincing case. Their adult child has said hurtful things, withdrawn, made accusations, or cut off contact altogether.
Fair enough. Adult children aren't automatically innocent simply because they're the children.
But here's the problem: you're trying to have an apples-to-apples argument about a relationship that never started on an equal playing field.
Let’s Go Back to the Beginning: How Childhood Power Dynamics Shape Parent–Child Relationships
Children depend on their parents for survival. Not just food and shelter, but emotional safety, attachment, belonging, and a developing sense of self.
That's an enormous power differential.
And children, being mandatorily adaptive, figure out pretty quickly what is required to maintain that attachment.
They accommodate. They adjust. They learn what gets approval, what causes conflict, and which parts of themselves are, either implicitly or explicitly, unwelcome. Some become the easy kid. The achiever. The Companion. The peacemaker. Others become exceptionally skilled at managing a parent's emotional state.
And sometimes, the price of maintaining attachment becomes sacrificing authenticity, which (spoiler alert) is unsustainable.
This doesn't automatically mean the parent was abusive, neglectful, or some kind of monster. Though sadly, sometimes the shoe fits…
For the parent, this arrangement may be “as the good lord intended.” The child is cooperative, obedient, respectful, affectionate, and close.
What's the problem?
Well, there may not be one.
Or the relationship may be working beautifully… for the person who has most of the power.
And Then They Have the Audacity to Grow UP! Separation and Individuation: When Adult Children Establish Boundaries
Enter Separation and Individuation.
The completely normal developmental process in which children begin establishing their own identities, opinions, values, and boundaries.
Suddenly, the agreeable child has opinions. The accommodating child says no. The child who once managed everyone's feelings decides they're no longer interested in the job.
What the parent experiences as disrespect, defiance, or rejection may actually be the child's first meaningful attempt at authenticity.
The parent is thinking, What happened to my sweet, loving child?
The child is thinking, When do I finally get to be myself?
Or, the other unfortunate thing that happens is that the child has no effective way to communicate the complexity of individuating—or has received the message early on that their autonomy is not welcome here.
And so they're left with what may feel like very few options: Shut down. Cut off. No contact.
Not because they don't love their parents, but because they haven't figured out how to remain connected without abandoning themselves.
This tension between attachment and autonomy is often central to family estrangement and reconciliation.
The Apples-to-Apples Trap: Why Equal Accountability Doesn't Mean Equal Responsibility
Fast-forward to adulthood.
Now the child can leave, establish boundaries, decline invitations, or stop answering calls. And yes, that can leave parents feeling profoundly powerless.
And here's where the conversation goes sideways.
The parent wants to discuss what happened last Tuesday.
The adult child is trying to explain what has been happening for the last 30 years.
The parent says, You hurt me, too.
The adult child says, You're still not hearing me.
Some parents can be so offended or blindsided that they miss the larger point.
They defend. They explain. They produce receipts. They demand equal accountability.
And they may even be right about some of those incidents.
But being right about last Tuesday doesn't erase the history of the relationship.
Worse, the parent may be demanding the very thing the adult child is trying to stop doing.
Before I'll acknowledge your pain, you need to acknowledge mine.
Before I'll hear your experience, you need to understand my intentions.
Before we move forward, you need to reassure me that I'm not the bad guy.
And there it is. The adult child is once again being asked to manage the parent's emotional experience before their own can be acknowledged.
The attempted repair recreates the original injury.
For parents who struggle with self-reflection, emotional regulation, or accountability, insisting on equal blame can become the hill they're willing to die on.
But here's the thing: You can win the argument and lose the relationship.
Acknowledging the original power differential doesn't mean accepting every accusation or declaring yourself a terrible parent.
It means recognizing that you had a disproportionate influence on the emotional environment in which your child developed.
That's not an accusation. That's parenthood.
And it's also why understanding attachment and family-of-origin patterns can be so important when those old dynamics show up in adult relationships.
So Now What? How Parents and Adult Children Can Begin Repairing Estrangement
Understanding asymmetry is useful. But understanding it and then continuing to have the same miserable argument isn't much of a game plan.
For parents: Stop treating acknowledgment as a courtroom confession. Pro tip: accountability, validation, and remorse can move mountains.
Get curious about your child's experience without immediately turning the conversation into your defense.
Ask yourself: What might my child have had to become in order to maintain a relationship with me?
And here's a tougher one: Am I more invested in being recognized as a good parent than in understanding what it was like to be my child?
This is a make-it-or-break-it question.
You can love your child, have done your best, and still have caused harm. Accountability is not self-condemnation.
For adult children: You can have your own emotional legitimacy that isn’t dependent on getting your parent to agree with you.
How it started wasn’t your fault. But you may have a part in how it’s going.
There is a world where you can love your parents while recognizing that they may not currently have the capacity to understand your experience.
Not gonna lie, there’s some grief in that.
For both: If reconciliation is the goal, stop asking Who's right? and start asking What keeps happening between us, and what would actually need to change?
Sometimes that means learning to listen differently, tolerating discomfort, and relinquishing old roles. Sometimes it means accepting that the relationship cannot return to what it once was.
This is where relationship counseling can help identify the patterns that keep everyone stuck.
And sometimes reconciliation isn't possible—or isn't healthy.
The Bottom Line
A parent can love their child deeply and still have created an environment in which that child learned to suppress parts of themselves.
An adult child may not have access to the most skilled response to explain their experience of that dilemma, but may still be trying to communicate something important.
Two adults can be accountable for their present-day behavior without having been equally responsible for the developmental conditions that shaped their relationship.
These realities are not mutually exclusive.
But if you're entering estrangement work determined to establish that everyone is equally responsible, that is a losing battle.
When it comes to the truth of asymmetry, the goal is to acknowledge that the playing field was never level in the first place.
For another perspective on this complicated dynamic, read Attachment Is Bidirectional: The Missing Piece in Understanding Parental Estrangement
Written by Julie Morgavi, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist working with individuals, couples, and families. Learn more about my therapeutic approach.
